Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
