he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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