How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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