I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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