so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
