she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
