At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
