Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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