In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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