I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Man, jail baloney is awful.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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