I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i've created a new STD.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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