Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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