last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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