you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
