I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
