I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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