what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
