In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
