I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
