Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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