kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
