Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
