My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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