Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
