The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
