And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
