I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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