this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
