OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
