Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
