wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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