Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
