I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
