i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
