Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
