just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
