im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
