I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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