Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
