in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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