Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Banned from zoo.
Again?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
