I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
