The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
