she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
