why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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