Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
