hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
