I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
