If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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