Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
