It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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