i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
