So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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